标签: detector

I have a story I've been meaning to tell. When I returned home the evening before Thanksgiving, I discovered my son, Joseph, looking shell shocked. His hair was standing on end. He was panting and covered in sweat, and he gave the impression of having finished a marathon. The closest thing I can think of to give you an idea of what I'm talking about is Beaker from The Muppet Show having a bad day.   For some reason, the first thing that popped into my mind was the expression "Fire in the hole," which is commonly used to alert people that a controlled detonation is about to take place. The first cannons were fired by applying a flaming torch to a small hole packed with gunpowder. "Fire in the hole" was both a command to the man wielding the torch and a warning to anyone in the vicinity. Once Joseph had quieted down and caught his breath, he explained what had happened. The day before, my wife (Gina the Gorgeous) had mentioned that we needed to clean the oven in anticipation of her preparing our Thanksgiving repast. Since I had been broiling quite a few steaks and burgers recently, I told her she should wait for me to give it a good wipe down to remove any grease before she ran the oven's self-cleaning cycle. Did she listen to me? Ha. Why is it that no one ever listens to what I have to say? It's like casting pearls of wisdom before... creatures that don't appreciate such things. The following afternoon, while I was still at work, Gina initiated the oven's self-cleaning function and then merrily sailed out of the door on her way to the grocery store after instructing Joseph to "keep an eye on things." According to Joseph, it wasn't long before thick, black smoke started pouring out of the oven. Unfortunately, he didn't have a clue how to terminate the cycle. First, he opened the front and back doors to get a breeze blowing through the house... only to discover that it was a still and windless day. While Joseph was contemplating his next move, the smoke detector in the hallway connecting the kitchen to the garage started to sound the alarm. Being well acquainted with the ramifications of his mother's exuberant cooking techniques, Joseph immediately dragged a stool under the detector, mounted the stool, and started fanning the detector with a magazine. As soon as that detector had ceased its warbling, the one in the corridor at the other side of the family room took over. Joseph dragged his stool across the house and started fanning that little rascal. Then the detector in the master bedroom took up the call, quickly followed by the detector in Joseph's bedroom. One thing you can say about our house is that it is in no way underequipped on the smoke detector front. To cut a long story short, smoke kept on pouring out of the oven, and Joseph spent much of the next hour or so fanning one detector into submission, only to have the next one grasp the metaphorical baton and run with it. It was as if Joseph had invented a novel version of Whac-A-Mole. Suffice it to say that Joseph is no longer a fan of self-cleaning ovens.  

When I was about 12 years old, one of my best friends at school was a guy called Carl Clements. Carl was extremely clever and gifted – I often wonder what he ended up doing. When the other kids were kicking a soccer ball around during the breaks, Carl would be sketching out circuit diagrams in the dust with his finger, showing me how to make an amplifier using a single bipolar junction transistor and stuff like that (we knew how to have a good time :-) I remember one day when Carl brought a lie detector to school. It boasted all sorts of coils and wires and suchlike attaches to a wooden board. He would persuade people to hold the two contacts while he held the main board. Carl would start by asking their name – they would reply and nothing would happen. Then he would say "Let's make sure it's working – I'm going to ask you a question and you tell a lie." So he would ask them something like "Are you a girl?" (The chances of the person being a girl were zero because it was a boys-only school). Upon replying "Yes" to this question the boy would receive a substantial electric shock. Carl would then proceed to ask a bunch of other questions. Of course the whole thing was a spoof – Carl was triggering the shocks by hand using a hidden switch mounted under the board – he was only caught out when the victim received a shock and indignantly proclaimed "But that's true!" The reason I'm waffling on about that here is that I just saw a rather good joke. I'm sure this one is an "old chestnut" but it's the first time I've seen it: A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that day. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." The dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" The son replies, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn." The dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. The mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son!" The robot slaps the mother! End of Story P.S. Robot for sale! In turn, this reminded me of those snippets from the Jimmy Kimmel show where he puts a fake lie detector on a kit's head – for example, take a peek at this video . Did anyone at your high-school come up with a spoof like this?